Solitude: Alone, Together with God
我一个人 ... wŏ yī gè rén
It’s one of a handful of phrases I know in Chinese, and it means, “𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦; 𝘐’𝘮 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯.” I know this phrase in German and French. I use it in English, plenty.
The idea of aloneness, or solitude used to provoke dread and resistance for me. I still remember the adrenaline-spiked experience of the first time that I ate at a restaurant by myself. I was 21, and 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘺 uncomfortable.
I had been traveling alone in London, and was staying in a long-term hostel outside the city. I didn’t feel embarrassed to have flown across the ocean by myself, or to be staying in a hostel without companions— most everyone was doing that. Sure, ok, we were ‘alone’, but we were alone, together.
But to sit in a restaurant; to occupy only one chair where two have been set... in plain view of all the other dining couples and groups of friends? This seemed humiliating. In life, shouldn’t we all at least be able to find someone to eat with? Isn’t it just the most telling sign of failure, when you can’t find a single other hungry person to consume calories in proximity to you?
At the time, it honestly felt like that.
I was uncomfortable, but I was also exhausted and famished from a day of exploring, and the hunger won out. Sitting down at a small square table with my cheeseburger and fries, I made a point to hold my head extra high. I lit a fire behind my eyes, of defiant mirth. I recited silently to myself affirmations of how chill & happy & ok I was.
I must have been overacting the part of secure solo diner ( or been dripping with desperate loneliness), because a young Irish couple sitting nearby invited me to scooch over and join them. John and Roisin... those merciful, hospitable friends. They became an early proof for me that the world knows, deep down, how to make room.
Even a year later, when I looked back at that 21 year old... so insecure and self conscious about being by myself... sometimes I can’t even believe she was me. By now, I have sat contentedly alone in restaurants and cafes and bars so many times that I can’t number them. I have learned to prize my own company, and to own the space I’m in. And thankfully, I’ve also learned that time in solitude doesn’t have to be time in isolation... but rather in communion with God.
Solitude can be a way to slow things down, fade out the excess noise, and become comfortable with being still, and being ourselves. (It’s really ok to take up space. It’s even ok to let the second chair sit there empty!)
Solitude helps adjust our awareness, so that we can see our needs in laser focus. And if we are very needy, like myself, that awareness should make us want to invite God to scooch a little closer (or a lot closer!)... and count on him to do it. It’s hard to believe, I know, but He loves us even more than Irish strangers on holiday. 💖
In the quiet, slow, and honest stillness, we should be able to hear God better than ever when he says, “Hey, you are ok. You are enough, and even more? You are my delight. Let’s stay here a while. Let’s be alone together.”
*This is part one of a 5-day Instagram challenge called #soulwrestle
2/26 Solitude
2/27 Prayer
2/28 Grit
2/29 Tears
3/1 Fasting
